LB: Live! From Paradise #222 – “Connections”

(The Intro above is from this column's previous web incarnation)

by Larry Brody

Several months ago in this space I came out of the closet of normality and ‘fessed up to having Asperger’s Syndrome, a mild form of autism. After which I braced myself and waited—

For a firestorm never happened.

No, “I always knew you were weird, Larry B.”

Or, “Yep, if ever there was a crackpot writer it’s you, dude.”

After a few weeks a response to my announcement finally came. In the form of an invitation to contribute to a book a friend was writing about his theory that autistic men and women have a greater than normal awareness of what is known by some as “the Great Unknown,” by others as “the Wind of Mystery,” and by still others as:

God.

Turned out he too is an Asperger’s kind of guy (my friend writing the book, not God), and to him it was no big deal. Certainly nothing to be ashamed of.

So why was I?

I’ve been letting that question percolate for awhile and finally have an answer. I think it’s because in the environment in which I grew up—family, school, neighborhood—I was made to feel guilty about who and what I was. I was regarded as “antisocial” and “introverted,” and being antisocial and introverted were considered bigger sins than gluttony, sloth, and just about anything else short of murder.

“Why don’t you want to talk to people?” my mother would ask when I was a little kid. “Why don’t you want to go outside and play with Melvin and

Bumpy when they call for you?”

And, when I was older:

“Aren’t you lonely staying in your room like this?” my father would say. And from more than one teacher: “Don’t you want to just go out and have the kind of fun most teenagers do?”

The replies to those questions were: “I don’t like talking to people. It hurts me too much.”

“Playing with Melvin and Bumpy is fun for Melvin and Bumpy, but not for me.”

“But I’m not alone. I’m with a terrific book.”

And, “The kind of fun most teenagers have isn’t fun for me.”

I didn’t utter any of those replies because the interaction itself would’ve been way too painful. I always felt on the defensive. Under attack.

Simply because I didn’t belong.

And not belonging, not feeling part of any group, is what Asperger’s is all about.

As an adult I’ve kept all this a secret so I wouldn’t have to re-fight my youthful battles. It’s only now that I’m more mature that I’m able to stand up for myself to the outside world the same way I always stood up for myself in my interior one.

I’m comfortable with the differences between the way I perceive and react to the universe and the way most other people do. As I see it, I’m not the one with the problem. Those who’ve spent so much energy unknowingly inflicting pain on me in order to make me more “social” have always been the ones with the problem.

My perception is that because of the way my brain works I’m able to focus on what’s important to me more than most human beings can. I can analyze myself and others and see our foibles from a perspective available only to a watcher who is distanced from his subject. Yet I can go so far inside myself that I connect with the Great Unknown, the Wind of Mystery, and, yes, even God much more intimately than I’m able to communicate with words.

And if in return I lack the wherewithal to make cold phone calls or connect with small talk at parties or feel the joy of leaping from my seat to cheer for my team in the Super Bowl, so be it. I understand that life is a trade-off.

Because I actively take part in that trade every minute of every day.

I understand that I’m luckier than other Asperger’s types. I can feel love for others and love in return. And I’ve learned how to communicate these facts with them using my body and my words and my soul.

I like these things about myself. They give me great joy.

And I appreciate, possibly also more than I can describe in words, what another friend said to me recently. “You’re the least obnoxious guy with Asperger’s I know.”

In fact, for one brief but shining moment I came this-close to feeling that he and I were connected.

LB: Live! From Paradise #221 – “Walmart Confidential”

(The Intro above is from this column's previous web incarnation)

by Larry Brody

Walmart being the great social center that it is for those of us who live in Paradise, I’ve had more than one strange encounter while shopping there. The most recent occurred just a couple of days ago.

Gwen and I came in together and then went our separate ways. She zipped over to the organic fruits and vegetables, and I ambled to the snack tables where Doug the Dog Breeder so often holds court. We hadn’t talked for awhile, and I was eager to get up to speed on what was going on in his life.

My good friend was nowhere to be seen, though, so I got a cup of coffee and sat down by my lonesome for some people-watching.
At first I didn’t see anything out of the ordinary. Just:

A group of teenage girls posturing for a group of teenage boys.

A five-year-old girl whacking her little brother alongside the head when their mom turned her attention from them to a display of potted plants.

An elderly man riding his motorized cart like a bumper car and frowning disappointedly when everyone scooted out of the way.

I did my best not to grin so widely that the afternoon’s entertainment caught on to how very entertaining it was being. I’ve learned from sad experience that some folks don’t take all too kindly to that.

Then the strangeness arrived. In the form of a woman of about fifty, wearing a faded dress. She sat down across the table from me and leaned forward with a very serious look on her face.

“I’ve got a problem,” she said. “Don’t have a clue about what to do.”

“It’s my cousin’s son,” she went on. “He called me yesterday out of the blue to tell me his father just died and he’s glad. ‘My daddy was a terrible man,’ he told me. ‘He was tall and broad and taken by fits of temper that made everybody in the household fear for our lives.’

“I didn’t know what to say,” my Walmart Confidante continued. “I don’t know the boy and barely remembered his father. Probably only saw my cousin half a dozen times when we were kids and never after we grew up.

“The boy said he had to call other family members and hung up. And as soon as he did I recalled a few things about this ‘terrible man’. He was big even as a child, and gawky, and he tried very hard. But his mother, my aunt, never saw him as anything but a mess. She mocked him when she talked about him to my mother, and I saw her mock him to his face.

“She treated the boy like the family idiot, and he never knew how to respond. Because he was a kid, and what can a kid say about the cruelty of any adult, let alone a parent?”

The woman twisted in her chair, a look of pain taking over her face. “I have no idea how intelligent my cousin was, but I suspect that one of the reasons he grew into an abusive man was that he was so betrayed by the woman who was supposed to support and protect him.

“I feel like I should call his son back and tell him about this. Not to absolve my cousin. Not even to excuse him. But to explain just a little. So many of us grow up not understanding our parents as people, and it’s so easy to end up bitter or even twisted as a result.

“That’s it. I’m going to do it. I’m going to make that call. Thank you. Thank you so much!”

My Walmart Confidante reached out and hugged me. Then she pushed back her chair and strode away, passing Gwen, who was coming over with her cart.

“Friend of yours?” Gwen said.

I could only shrug. “A lady with a problem,” I said.

“Were you able to help her solve it?”

“Apparently.”

“Then why don’t you look as happy as you should?”

I realized I wasn’t smiling. And I also realized why. “Honey, this isn’t exactly my kind of thing. What would’ve happened if instead of me sitting here it’d been Doug?”

Now it was Gwen’s turn to hug me. “Exactly the same thing,” she said with a laugh. “All she needed was for somebody to listen.”

I always wondered why Doug spent so much time in this place. Now I know.

It’s more than just people-watching.

It’s for the hugs.

LB: Live! From Paradise #220 – “Welcome Twitters”

(The Intro above is from this column's previous web incarnation)

by Larry Brody

The Twitter revolution is here. A tidal wave of short, stark messages is cascading over the Internet, and for many web surfers it’s become a matter of shooting the curl or drowning.

For those who have been doing silly things like reading books or going to concerts and movies or even watching TV and listening to the radio instead of getting their heads irradiated by sitting 18 inches from their computer monitors day in and day out, Twitter is a website where folks can join up and both send and receive short messages to and from their friends…and about a bazillion other people as well.

And when I say short, I mean it. The longest any message can be is 140 characters. That means 140 letters, spaces, and punctuation marks. AKA one or two very short sentences. (And I thought Sesame Street was destroying our attention spans!)

Twitter messages (which for some metaphorical purpose far beyond my ability to understand are called “tweets”) fall into two main categories.

The first category is what can best be described as “The Personal Report.” As in:

“(yawn) Long day of work draws to a close. Happy half hour spent watching Powerpuff Girls before collapsing. 🙂 Night, all!” by a Twitterer called dduane.

The second category is anything but personal. It’s “Salesmanship 101.” As in:

“Webcast your brain surgery? Hospitals see marketing tool…” by well-known Twitterer GuyKawasaki.

I admit to having a Twitter account of my own, and to being fascinated by the haiku-like possibilities of the Tweet. How else can I explain this message I sent a while ago?

“People keep telling us we’re not here. But we know we are. Existential crisis imminent?”

All in all, this short form is fun. It enables me to communicate with people quickly, without having to agonize over every noun, verb, and, especially, adjective. And it enables others to communicate with me in the same easy cavalier way.

But no matter how hard I try to be cutting edge, I’m still hardly the King of Tomorrow. Because what I enjoy receiving most are messages that are about something. And because they’re about something they bring me into the writers’ lives in a way no usual Tweet can.

Messages like this one, from reader Rob O’Hannon:

“My wife and I have a 1995 Saturn…that we both love…230,000 miles, and still a good kick to it…

“Today my mechanic gave me the bad news. The front supports are…rotted out… To repair the damage would probably cost more than the car’s worth. And so, by the end of the month, we need to say goodbye…

“I remember blizzard days when I took the long way home instead of facing the insanity storms bring to highway drivers. Riding down back roads, up and over ice-covered hills, bopping along to the tape deck, she never let me down. We were road warriors together; I could feel through her, and she responded to my needs.

“…She was never the prettiest car in the world. She’s needed some minor, and not so minor, repairs here and there. But I always felt safe in her. And I always knew that when the chips were down, we’d both make it home.

“I’m going to miss that come next winter.”

And this, from fellow Arkansan D.C. Rowlett:

“Out at Possum Trot when I was a boy it was a sure sign of rain when the road grader ran. No matter if there wasn’t a single cloud in the sky, if that road grader ran it would rain within a few hours.

“During cotton…picking season I almost worshiped that road grader. When I saw the black diesel smoke and heard the roar of the engine I knew without a doubt I was gonna get a day or so off from the back breaking labor…

“Here on the Ponderosa that magic is still alive, only these days it is not the road grader, nosirree. It is the garden tiller that has the power to summon the rain.

“…Each time I fire up the…tiller we get a gully washer and a toad strangler. Yesterday I fired up the big tiller—oh why didn’t I just use the hoe and little garden weasel thingy?

“Sorry, folks, but I used the…tiller and it is gonna be raining awhile!”

Okay, so neither of these two messages is in the same class as Oprah Winfrey’s first Tweet:

“HI TWITTERS. THANK YOU FOR A WARM WELCOME. FEELING REALLY 21st CENTURY.”

But, just between us, man, am I glad.

LB: Live! From Paradise #219 “Massacre at Cloud Creek”

(The Intro above is from this column's previous web incarnation)

by Larry Brody

A new mystery greeted me when I awoke the other day.

Cloud Creek Ranch’s very own Midnight Massacre.

The night had been filled with the sounds of a typical Paradise thunderstorm. The roll of thunder. The crack of lightning. The click-beep of appliances as the power went off and on. By the time daylight arrived, the rain was a steady, rooftop drizzle and the only loud sounds came from the dogs, who’d slept inside all night and wanted out. “Now! Now! Immediately!”

That may seem all fine and dandy, but what it really meant was just the opposite. A normal sound, one that had greeted the ears of both Gwen the Beautiful and myself every morning for many years, was nowhere to be heard.

The sound of chickens.

Of roosters proudly crowing to announce to the world that, “These hens are ours!” And of hens cackling otherwise, “In your dreams!”

I pulled on my boots and my duster, plopped a baseball cap onto my head, and let the dogs out onto the front porch while I continued around the side of the house to the chicken yard, where our fine flock of silly, almost poodle-like silkies should’ve been scratching away at the dirt.

I saw the first silky on the way. In the clearing, near the big stone fire pit on the little rise we call The Mound. Headless and soaked, the chicken lay on a pile of feathers. When I knelt down, I saw the long spurs that told me this was all that remained of our two roosters. Beyond the dead rooster, on the other side of the fire pit, were several more piles of feathers.

“Great….”

I hurried to the chicken yard. The gate was closed, the latch double-clipped into place. Within the yard, two bedraggled white hens cowered against the trunk of tree that’d fallen about a year ago but was way too big for me to cut up and cart away. Behind them, between the two small coops, another headless body lay.

Another hen, the one we called Orange Chicken. She’d been the sole survivor of the dozen chickens we’d inherited when we first bought this place. Which mean she also was the last chicken to whom we’d given a name.

“Greater….”

I moved through the chicken yard, hoping to find more survivors hiding in its nooks and crannies. There wasn’t a one. Didn’t find any more bodies either, but, brother, did I see feathers. Everyplace!

I turned to the two remaining hens. “How—?” I said. And, “Who—”

No reply. Instead they clutched at each other in the way that’d taught me, years ago, what very real and sensitive spirits even these creatures have.

The rain began coming down harder, but I had a mystery to solve. I walked along the fence, looking for a break that would let a marauder in. All was secure. Except

Yep, there it was. A place where the chain link was bent back, just a little. A place where something small, smart, and determined could force itself through. And a few feet away, where the clearing met the woods I saw something fitting that description.

Quickly, I left the chicken yard and pushed through the brush to a dead weasel. Its mouth was drawn back in a snarl, and its body was intact as though it had been shaken to death, the way a dog might do the deed.

Weasels hunt in families. I know that from the Discovery Channel. It seemed to me that what must have happened was that several weasels had wormed their way in but been chased off, along with some squawking victims, by a defending dog.

The only problem with that theory was that the most likely reason the weasels had made their move was that Emmy the Bold and her gang had been inside.

From behind me came the sound of panting breath. A twig snapped, and I turned to see what looked like a large, tan dog watching from the trees a few feet away. Our eyes met. I reached out to it…

And the dog faded—no, wafted—into the woods, vanishing like smoke.

The Cloud Creek Ranch Ghost Dog.

The rain grew even stronger, but I stood there for I don’t know how long. I realized that in spite of the carnage I was smiling.

Great…

Greater…

“The greatest,” I said, this time with no sarcasm at all.

And I ran back to the house to tell Gwen.